Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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