Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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