I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
