I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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