we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
