Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
