oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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