I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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