He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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