so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
