I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
porn star boner night. come get it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
