Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
