I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
