She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
