That's intense
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
