she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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