I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
