I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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