I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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