I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize