last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
