i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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