i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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