im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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