Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
