Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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