he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
