Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
