Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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