this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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