Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
