I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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