i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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