turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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