Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
