After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
