also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You had me at "let me see your balls"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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