Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We have started to decorate penises.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
