Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
