i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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