dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Your penis caused this!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
