You can't motorboat a personality
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
