Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
