I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
