You're so nebulous sometimes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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