that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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