then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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