Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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