I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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