Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
