I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You've changed since you got that strap on
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
