yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How external is "for external use only"?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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