take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
A bitchslap is in order.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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