I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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